4 in the morning

4 in the morning

10/7/2001

and the rain has been coming down in sheets. It woke me up about an hour ago and I just went to close the windows. But insulated from the noise, the rain sounded like a distant anger rather than a clearly articulated demonstration that we live in a world of flows larger than ourselves. So I couldn't get back to sleep but had to hear the rain more clearly. It's died down a bit by now, but the splattering still makes the morning worth being awake for. The sky's covered with thick clouds still. I guess the rain hasn't exhausted itself and we'll be in for a glorious day of wet. Really helps, when you've got to stand up and teach, to have the rain on your side. It sets your voice in a nice context, nature's background music for the day. Rather than the dry hum of traffic on a humid day, when the only intangible sense evoked is the smell of Jurong Island sulphur, the pattering of the rain keeps everyone waiting for something new to begin.

In rain you realise many things. That there are forces that grow out of your control. Even when you wished you could determine the direction of sometime, or exercise a precision of effect, nature has someone or something greater that will bring those intentions to a different place. The rain spoils plans. You can't walk out because it's wet and you can't keep moving because your shirt's going to get plastered to yourself. In rain you remember the difference between the day and night. Daytime rain is obvious and can be spoken of in terms of incovenience or the immediate comfort it brings. Night rain brings movement in the dark that is somewhat ominous. You hear, lying on your bed, the climaxes of the wind, the drumming to what goal on your window pane, waiting for something to break. You can't sleep because you want to be with the rain, more than with the sounds of the rain. Waking you realise that while the rain's outside and beyond your control, you'll never really be a part of it.

But the rain brings coolness in all cases. Not the sterile controlled coolness of an airconditioned room - the coolness of the rain is unexpected. With a sudden gust on a rainy day, you feel the freshness of the air in your room. What is longed for is the moment the rain becomes your experience - when you make contact with the rain - not as water on skin, but as a moment remembered.