The test of Manhood - 1/21/2002

Today is a significant day in the life of my cat Marmaduke. Today he got ligated. Today he "kena potong". Today he lost his manhood. Neutered is the right word for it I think. It'sa loaded word anyhow isn't it cause we still know him as HIM in spite of the fact that he is no longer biologically fully male. I guess the strict gender categories that we have foreces us to place everything else into that middle ground of "neutrality". Not that I'm a proponenet of loosening gender roles or having a gradient scale of pronouns to announce an individual's inclinations. It's just interesting that an operation is named in terms of a kind of "non class" where we throw everything that isn't fully male or female into. To be neutered. Hmm. Anyway Marmaduke's doing fine. He's now confined and can't eat or drink for the whole of tonight - poor guy! I think he was starting to display the attributes of a dominant male type already. the past few weeks he's been pouncing on Mittens (sometime Mittens can't stand). Mittens will be minding her own business (yes in her elegant arrogant way) and Duke will pretend to stalk her and then pounce on her. It's led to several unpleasant confrontations between the two of them. Just last week, Duke tried to swipe at Mittens' bum and caused a small cut. Anyhow, I hope the neutering makes him less prone to these outbursts of masculinity.

My manhood was tested today by irritating students. There's a bunch of kids in one of my Lit classes who are so out of it that they have taken to sniggering to either the things I say or the way I pronounce things. Anyway it took a lot of self control not to point them out or scream at them. It all gets pent up with me. I could do sadistic things I guess, but in the mirror I wouldn't recognise myself. Besides I've sniggered in classes too - but at least that was in the Uni when I was sure I was smarter / had better ideas than the person speaking. (Show off !) It didn't help that we were talking about the sound quality of poetry today. Anyway - it's one of those stupid situations that I hate. I know they're sniggering and having their own little private convention bu they think that I'm oblivious and don't even know what's happenning. It actually takes effort to pretend to be oblivious to that kind of behaviour. But I guess that's the mode I'm in anyway. I know I should talk to them, embarrass them, scold them or do all of the above but I haven't got the energy. If it were kids I cared about I would. But hey - it's lower sec Lit - they'll probably be glad I didn't bother to get on their case and they'll just remember Lit as a waste of their time. I know that's totally jaded and cynical but it's their loss. I'm not going to invest emotionally in a bunch of kids who are too entangled in the web of the system anyway. If they wan't to come up to where we're at, that's fine but I'm not going down.

Having said that, I figure that every year it'll get worse. That's where mean apathetic teachers come from, an idealist that got disillusioned. The pragmatic teachers just remain effective. It's the disillusioned idealists that shoot themselves in the foot, let it get infected and died gradually of gangrene. I can just picture myself as a scowling old teacher, always suspicious of students making comments about my weight and loss of hair and droning on and on and on about the importance of alliteration. Better get out soon ...

"You only get disillusioned if you were once under an illusion."