Killed by my own Conscience - 2/14/2002

Sorry Kimbo - didn't think that I should start an entry with your name. Didn't want anything that rhymed with limbo - which is exactly how I feel right now in limbo.

Low-light of the day: Was an Idiotic Psycho teacher to form class.

How it came about: Most of the class forgot to bring their files - more like didn't bother to bring their files - or even prepare them.

What I would normally do: Ne'er Mind Ne'er Mind bring them tomorrow - I've got no energ to scold you or nag at you.

What I did today: All stay back during lunch ...

What happened during lunch: The class stood in class while the duty personnel cleaned the classroom - talk about totally irrelevant ...

So what's the point: I don't know. I guess I wanted them to get the message that if they can't be bothered to work together as a class, then they have to suffer the consequences together as a class. I'm sure that there are people who disagree - only those who were disobedient should be punished. I don't know - I guess I was in the mood where disappointment with the class mingled with disappointment with myself, cause I haven't been able to inspire them to more conscientious behaviour. And much disappointment often leads to irrelevant punishements. And so the long and short of it was that I don't think anyone really learnt anything and I was just mean. Sigh.

And so I've been thinking about it you know. Not being the sort that can just whack and scold people without thinking about it - I don't know - every time I need to do something like this (and it hasn't been often) I just feel twisted and untrue to myself. I hated it when people would "tekan" us for something someone else did - and yet I'm doing the exact same thing - what's my problem? Even the justifications of it's for the greater good we live in socius don't really satisfy.

Ms Tan said I get too emotional about these things and that I'm a lousy teacher cause I get too strung up when I need to be mean. Sigh - shouldn't teaching involve the whole being - emotions and all? I suppose when I take things personally that makes the emotions unhealthy. But the only recourse is to systematise and to de-personalise - to alienate then how can I be considered an integrated self?

All I know right now - is that I'm damn tired - need to lecture IPW tomorrow - haven't settled the projector, haven't told them it's in the audi - then got debates in the evening ...

Burn out man.