Being in Class - Again

Being in Class - Again

10/4/2001

is wonderful. Instead of just giving out exams and going over answers, was able to sort of teach today - thought the poem was quite cool and and think it worked. Sadly enough, it's going to be doing papers and going through answers from here on - hope it won't be very boring and that the KIDS will bring themselves to the work.

Was actually confronted by a strange moment of tiredness way early in the morning. Was rambling on about some Compre answer in 4B when an immense weariness overtook me. Had to pretend to "let one of you" lead the class and walk outside for awhile. It was strange. I just stood at the water cooler and tried to think. It was as if who cares if you don't replace in your own words - but a couple gulps of water made me refocus.

And it wasn't that the class was being lethargic or anything - they were in fact very conscientious about the work and were giving very good answers - I guess it was just me.

Maybe it's the fear of missing the kids.

So while one of them "took over" I hung around at the back. I like being with the people at the back of 4B. While they're quite reserved, they are also intelligent and interesting to talk to and it's sad that I've only been with them for about one and a half years. There was a moment that I was actually being rude to the person in front by conducting a mini conversation with the people at the back (ooops.)

Was horrified (ok exaggeration)by the class's Science results which I got today. I knew they weren't good but this quite bursts the bubble. Sigh. How does one remain optimistic about a system that forces people to DO SCIENCE when they're obviously cut out for other things. I can't imagine them being able to fashion complex arguments in writing and unable to do well in something like Physics or Chem. I suppose neurons do go missing. But the thought did strike me: the school - ie teachers, the admin, HODs, the old man everyone, expects the Kids to like "get below 10" or even qualify for a "top 5 JC" or even "score 6 points" ... and I wonder - how many of US who are making these expectations are actually qualified to have these expectations? I mean - how many of us actually did so well in our exams that we can demand the kids do well? Or is it that we want to live our dreams vicariously, so that we can be proud of someone else because we couldn't be proud about ourselves?

Lady Marmalade

Lady Marmalade

10/4/2001

Is more than the title of a song that is hip and naughty. It was to be the name of MY NEW CAT. That's right! Mittens is going to have to live with a little Kitten. Only it's not going to be called Lady Marmalade - because it turns out he is a boy. He's downstairs now sneaking around underneath the sofa - and he's called Marmaduke. anyway - Mittens is being a her proud stand offish self and doesn't want to go down to be friendly - I suspect she's gonna be like that for a long time. Well if I had the run of the house for 5 years and suddenly there's this spritely yooung thing running about I'd be pretty upset too. So I must remember to be nice to Mittens - she is after all my three-legged darling. Marmaduke - is ginger has a lovely pink nose and looks very smart. He's friendly enough, though I think my sister's high pitched voice scared him a bit just now. will go and see if he's come out from under the sofa.

Ok so that's set

What else am I pissed about?

The fact that I'm not going to see the sec fours anymore? It's saddening thing isn't it - that YOU've come to know and love some of them and know that you've made some clear connections with them and know that you are friends and now they've got to move on.

We teach so that you don't end up in a dead end JOB like teaching - how apt.

We remain these never changing faces that people visit once a year to remember their youth - 5 years - I'm now at Berkely doing a Medicine Postgrad ... 10 years yah the kid is coming next June 15 years ... wah Mr Lim you are still here ...

If I remain that long - I'll be a souvenir, a point of discussion, an etching on the canteen table - "Mr Lim Sucks".

So how do we move on? Without feeling the attachment maybe - we say we do it for the Kids - oh we hate the admin and the paperwork but we love the kids - do we really? Or am I afraid that if I try something else - I'll just be screwed up?

Interlude: Song

Interlude: Song

10/3/2001

Another Song recently written:

Person who it's about would know (of course only if person reads this)

Anyway - like all songs written about people, it's supposed to tell a deeper truth about the Nature of human relationships and the Nature of the person Singing (though beware of Intentional Fallacy)

I called you my enigma once
To try to get a reaction
You wore the name like you wear a coat
Hanging it on your shoulders

I called you my enigma twice
to make sure you understood it
You took the name and folded it
Beneath your memories

You strut by to say Hi
and I try to reply
in a polysyllabic manner

CHORUS
And you cut me right oopen
with those eyes that see beyond the screen of language
set up to
set up to ...
what does enigma mean?

I told you to have faith in the future once
when I was losing faith in my own
you took the advice and wore it
Like a coat upon your shoulders

You come close to say what you feel
and then I reel back
in a polysyllabic manner

CHORUS
And you cut me right oopen
with those eyes that see beyond the screen of language
Right open with those eyes that see beyond the sea of surfaces
Right open
with those eyes that see beyond the creen of language
set up to
set up to ...
what does enigma mean?

I knew a girl whose name I forget
I called her my enigma
I gave her the name cause I wanted to
Forget my own name

Just got back

Just got back

10/3/2001

From Teck Hin - the 24 hour coffee shop at Clementi Bus Interchange with Ms Tan. Had an interesting conversation about chips on shoulders. Told her I never was pressured because my wonderful mom never really minded what I did. Which was excellent. She however, kept bringing up the fact that she used to keep comparing herself with her elder Bro ... (who was top RJ Arts student 2 years before us ...)

The psychology of the Open Diary has uncovered another side to me I guess. Writing in a Diary is supposed to be a solipsistic activity. You write for youself. Then the Open Diary - writing so that people will readit - does lend a certain "thinking about" to what you want to put down. I suppose it's like one of those personality tests where the column of characteristic which you don't think you're like, is the personality you want ot keep hidden. And then there's the Open Diary that gets these messages, which you tend to want to respond to when you write your next entry.

But then, respond to what?

Let's respond through narrative, telling a story - a personal recount about RJ since we've already begun that line ... not doing any selling ... just remembering.

Of all the lousy excuses to want to switch classes, one of the lousiest is to claim that the girls in your class are really irritating. BUT THEY WERE (at first). With all this cliquishness and strange insider jokes, i did feel rather out of place for the first weeks or so. but then, there is a lousier reason - to want to be in a class with someone else. So my plan was simple. I had enough grounds to want to opt out of the Humans Programme, because I didn't like the people and had an incentive because there was this "interesting" object of desire (OOD) of the opposite sex in another class. And my logic worked in detail as well ... there were 3 classes of that Science Combi that I was going to try to switch into - the first 2 were for all the 6 pointers and the 3rd, for the rest. Since I was transferring, I would be put into the 3rd one which was where OOD was.

How cruel the world of school administration and heartless Principals. Yes they granted my transfer to the Science stream ... but no ... they put me into the 1st class (with the NERDs ...) and no I did not get added opportunities to meet my OOD. So how ... after one week in Science stream transfer back.

An example of how the new found freedom of JC life can infect an individual.

But a nicer end to the tale. Did get to know OOD better. She was initially in my Orientation Group and just had this broodiness about her. She would be very "rah rah" in front of everyone, but strangely enough there was a cynical and dark reserve about her. And there would be these short moments of intense conversation between us. Out of nowhere she would talk to me about the most private of things and then we wouldn't talk for like 2 weeks, then I'd get a note about "how only I could understand her ..." She was quite poor thing also ... didn't have a place to stay (major complex family situation ...) Was a period in J2 she was staying in school (secretly of course). Then I had to write a song about it - Started "I live downstairs in school ..." - and sing it at the Arts Fest ... she wrote to me before that (cause she'd heard about the song - though had actually refused to listen to it) - told me how profoundly it had affected ... that a song would be written - and refused to attend the actual performance though she was on Student Council duty - she stood out in the Lobby - but after the song came backstage bec. she had heard it through the "sound proof Audi - and gushed in an embarrassing (really red) manner -

Strange times to remember -

Reality Bites

But really ... - 10/2/2001
this is a useful activity. With so little time to verbalise all that I feel, this tip tapping is a way of reminding myself that I have a past and a memory ... and one that is useful when mined.
The KIDs have been into JC admissions ... I suppose after the intial shock (or euphoria - trying to make this all-inclusive) of the Prelim results and the promise of moderation, they're thinking about what to do with their future.
Can't say much about the way I did mine way back when. Knew that I didn't want to follow the crowd in my class and "go to NJ" and knew that I wanted to do the Humanities Programme.
I suppose some of the kids are irritated that I keep going on about RJ etc ... but really were the best years of my life. For the following reasons:
1. Learnt that reading a book is more than flipping through MAD Magazine
2. Learnt that project work and long research papers can be fun
3. Went to the USSR just when it broke up
4. Got to know v. nice and intelligent people
5. Was given the freedom to play my guitar and sing
6. Fell in love
7. Fell out of love
8. Got inspired by Mr K.
9. used to hang around in school until way late (11pm) and then eat supper at Ghim Moh ...
10. Got fit and Did well for A levels ...
Mind you, not all of it was smooth sailing, esp. when I first got into AO1A. All the kids were like brains dripping out of their heads, GEP kids and like they already knew each other since they were 10 (pioneer batch of GEP ... so they had to do stuff together a lot). But learnt how to hold my own and also became good friends with all of them. Learnt that even very brilliant and knowledgeable people are v. human and can learn stuff from the Guitar guy.
Was a really strange bunch ... two of them left for Universities in the US even before the middle of J1 (some score high in SAT thing) and we would also have these endless quirky discussions like - why do you say this chair is a chair ? How can we define it as a chair without compromising on its "chairness"?
But I kinda miss them now, except for HS who's back in RJ teaching ... I think we're pretty spread out. Lawyers mostly, though we do have the "youngest SAF Officer seconded to the Admin Service" - was my Sec School classmate and "clawed" his way to the top (can gossip bec. he's way too important and busy to be fiddling with the OD) - spent much energy and effort defending his Machiavellian ways ... and he used to send me Christmas cards every now and then ... but I suppose I'm no longer useful to him.
Ah well ... all this is getting nostalgic. Anyway - really hope that some of the KIDS will go to RJ and just forget their self-consciousness and insecurity.
Just got back - 10/3/2001
From Teck Hin - the 24 hour coffee shop at Clementi Bus Interchange with Ms Tan. Had an interesting conversation about chips on shoulders. Told her I never was pressured because my wonderful mom never really minded what I did. Which was excellent. She however, kept bringing up the fact that she used to keep comparing herself with her elder Bro ... (who was top RJ Arts student 2 years before us ...)
The psychology of the Open Diary has uncovered another side to me I guess. Writing in a Diary is supposed to be a solipsistic activity. You write for youself. Then the Open Diary - writing so that people will readit - does lend a certain "thinking about" to what you want to put down. I suppose it's like one of those personality tests where the column of characteristic which you don't think you're like, is the personality you want ot keep hidden. And then there's the Open Diary that gets these messages, which you tend to want to respond to when you write your next entry.
But then, respond to what?
Let's respond through narrative, telling a story - a personal recount about RJ since we've already begun that line ... not doing any selling ... just remembering.
Of all the lousy excuses to want to switch classes, one of the lousiest is to claim that the girls in your class are really irritating. BUT THEY WERE (at first). With all this cliquishness and strange insider jokes, i did feel rather out of place for the first weeks or so. but then, there is a lousier reason - to want to be in a class with someone else. So my plan was simple. I had enough grounds to want to opt out of the Humans Programme, because I didn't like the people and had an incentive because there was this "interesting" object of desire (OOD) of the opposite sex in another class. And my logic worked in detail as well ... there were 3 classes of that Science Combi that I was going to try to switch into - the first 2 were for all the 6 pointers and the 3rd, for the rest. Since I was transferring, I would be put into the 3rd one which was where OOD was.
How cruel the world of school administration and heartless Principals. Yes they granted my transfer to the Science stream ... but no ... they put me into the 1st class (with the NERDs ...) and no I did not get added opportunities to meet my OOD. So how ... after one week in Science stream transfer back.
An example of how the new found freedom of JC life can infect an individual.
But a nicer end to the tale. Did get to know OOD better. She was initially in my Orientation Group and just had this broodiness about her. She would be very "rah rah" in front of everyone, but strangely enough there was a cynical and dark reserve about her. And there would be these short moments of intense conversation between us. Out of nowhere she would talk to me about the most private of things and then we wouldn't talk for like 2 weeks, then I'd get a note about "how only I could understand her ..." She was quite poor thing also ... didn't have a place to stay (major complex family situation ...) Was a period in J2 she was staying in school (secretly of course). Then I had to write a song about it - Started "I live downstairs in school ..." - and sing it at the Arts Fest ... she wrote to me before that (cause she'd heard about the song - though had actually refused to listen to it) - told me how profoundly it had affected ... that a song would be written - and refused to attend the actual performance though she was on Student Council duty - she stood out in the Lobby - but after the song came backstage bec. she had heard it through the "sound proof Audi - and gushed in an embarrassing (really red) manner -
Strange times to remember -

The Power is in a "Click"

The Power is in a "Click"

10/2/2001

Never have I felt so powerful.

Sitting alone in front of the computer with all the futures of 16 year olds in my hands. With a "click" (actually more complicated than that, but "click" is more dramatic), I decide their futures. "click" and suddenly the screen lights up with A1s ...

Just got home from school and a long afternoon in front of the PC trying to work out the kind of marks that are respectable. Almost there and am quite pleased that most of the kids won't be going to BAD JCs because of ... moderation!

A schizophrenia of sorts. To be both examiner and teacher, marker and moderator. It's strange how seamlessly so many of us shuttle between the roles, marking, cursing and swearing then going to class and comforting and cajoling. It's a schizophrenia I haven't learnt to live with. Slows you down when you mark under the schiziod curse - you turn the paper over and over and over trying to give that last mark. Maybe IT IS good that we don't mark our own classes ... though as Mrs BL pointed out, as we were trying to 'fairly' apportion out Lit scripts "Hang on, You teach the whole lot anyway ..."

Well, pleased that I've finally done something useful on a PC this afternoon... which isn't saying much about this new addiction ... is it?

Interlude

An interlude - 9/30/2001
I suspect the psychology of the OD is quickly catching up with me. Spent the whole afternoon skulking around different ODs and trying to read stuff quickly - must have spent up to 3 hours doing it ... and didn't get to write anything because the server was down.
There's an Underworld
Not an Underground that is dark and dangerous
Not an illegal smuggling of gossip -
But an Underworld in the sense that Don DeLilio uses it -
We know of the significance of events, of their place in history, or identities and men, only because of the traces left behind. The tremendous amount of debris, of "waste", of what is disposed = rubbish, constitues this underworld. Some objects are more valued - they become antiques, some less they become land-fill
But regardless, it's this Underworld that charts the movements of our lives.
"Is cyberspace a thing within the world or is it the other way around? Which contains the other, and how can you tell for sure?" UW, DD 826

Don Delilio - 10/1/2001
Who is an American writer who people (meaning general public - he's no John Grisham) don't read much unless you are
1. Into pop/American culture
2. A Lit major
He (in the several that I've read) makes excursions into the psyche of postmodern America through the examination of of the material culture. His characters are normal - usually middle aged men - who get caught in strange obsessions and anxieties about death - but in very hilarious and quirky ways. If you want, check him out at the Library at Orchard - no one borrows his stuff.
"White Noise" is a great book to try, though the pop culture (very 80s) references may be a challenge.

The Goal Is Moderation

The Goal Is Moderation

10/1/2001

A mole living in a hole

One day said to my soul,

"The Goal is Moderation".

Just struck me, after being bombarded by "Got Moderation Or Not" that we've (yes in another stroke of unintended genius) re-created a word.

mod·er·ate

Pronunciation: 'mä-d&-"rAt

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): -at·ed; -at·ing

Date: 15th century

transitive senses

1 : to lessen the intensity or extremeness of

Lessen the extremes - does seem to mean its supposed to be applied to bringing everyone to a middle point. Indeed when we use the word "moderate" we often mean just that.

How was fast should I play the piece?

Moderately - neither too fast or slow ...

How much did you spend last month on food?

A moderate amount - meaning I ate in the Canteen only ...

So ... why do we say "got moderation" when we really mean Can I Have More Marks ? I wonder.

Ok - if you've been patient enough to read all that - you might be interested in this ... the kind of statistical moderation that we're doing, means we're going to fulfil MSG bands. This means it isn't going to be a uniform addition of marks to everyone. It's supposed to be more sophisticated - some people will get more some less (differences are very minute...) At least that's how I understand it ...

As for the specifics -

we've got 7% A1s for Lit - we've been at around 20% in most of the previous prelims ...

we've got practically no A1s for EL (i think 4B has 3 - yay! - ) and we're supposed to be at around 50% A1/A2 based on past year performances.

So - think about it.

Actually - I think the main reservation everyone (meaning teachers who need to bear the responsibilty of this moderation business ... not lowly ones like me ...) is that we're not certain about whether the KIDs will perform at the "O"s. If you're from a more "secure" kinda school, and know that your kids will definitely deliver at the "O"s then I guess moderation doesn't have to be done in moderate amounts. But, there seems to be this lingering uncertainty ... sigh.

Don Delilio

Don Delilio

10/1/2001

Who is an American writer who people (meaning general public - he's no John Grisham) don't read much unless you are

1. Into pop/American culture

2. A Lit major

He (in the several that I've read) makes excursions into the psyche of postmodern America through the examination of of the material culture. His characters are normal - usually middle aged men - who get caught in strange obsessions and anxieties about death - but in very hilarious and quirky ways. If you want, check him out at the Library at Orchard - no one borrows his stuff.

"White Noise" is a great book to try, though the pop culture (very 80s) references may be a challenge.