Trying to Leave

What happens where - 11/12/2001
you get emotionally blackmailed by the most unlikely of people?
Today I broke the news of my request to teach in a JC to my HOD. She was quiet about it and looked very pensive. When we did talk there were many awkward silences and dead-end remarks. It wasn't a conversation - more like a silent grappling with "how could you spring this on us?"
The thrust of what she said was that in FINDING a place in a JC and then bringing it up to the school I had betrayed the trust of the school admin - most specifically the P and VP. Apparently they have gone out of the way to clear my name after the last GEP fiasco and now it appears that I'm being an ingrate.
The problem is that people take things too personally.
I took time to explain that it was the opportunity that was good, not the fact that I wanted to leave because of bad conditions in the school. I kept trying to show the focus as GOING to somewhere, rather than LEAVING the current place.
But it didn't work.
The other argument brought up was that I seem to be acting in a very selfish manner and was not thinking to the department or the school as a whole.
I countered that with the view that I am still in the business of education and still can be effective.
I almost feel as if I'm not understanding some subtle patronage game. As in, we your superiors have given you opportunities and training, you ought to be grateful and serve the school.
I am grateful. I have served the school. I never meant leaving as a "hate-the-school-campaign". The irony is - and here's a classic "Catch-22" (which is a philosophical conundrum made famous by the book by Jospeh Heller of the same name)-
a. if I respected all the admin has done for me, I should have surfaced this request for transfer internally
b. ironically - if I did that, ie request to leave without having secured a place to go - it precisely proves what the school doesn't want - that I want to LEAVE the school (leave for leaving's sake - just wanna get out mentality) rather than want to GO to somewhere else.
Why is this not a philosophical dead end to the school? Because any request made internally - can be kept internal - can be suppressed from within.
Anyway - need to see VP tomorrow. Next round of answering questions - don't know what approach she'll take. Will wait and see. And after that round - maybe I'll get an "audience" with the old man.

The way things turn out - 11/14/2001
is often better than we expect. When I spoke with VP about the whole transfer deal she was very matter of fact about it, stating that the school can't release me until July. I expected that so that was fine. But I suppose I was thrown off balance by her bits "now I'm speaking to you not as someone who is your VP but someone who is older and knows the system" that she threw in later. She suggested that I don't go on with the JC and wait for another year and reapply for a better JC.
OK - so I've found a place in Pioneer JC. From the notes and mails and SMSes I've got on this subject no one has mentioned Pioneer. It's either RJ, AC or SA - along those lines. So I guess VP also had the same thought that going to a new JC where the intake isn't "so good" would be very difficult for me and a waste of time, especially if my stated purpose is to focus on higher level lit. This kind of threw me off because of some details she furnished.
With a plethora of subtlties, it becomes difficult to see a clear picture. I know that going to a new JC is difficult - but at the same time there are pluses:
Can "help mould" the culture - while this seems idealistic - I guess it's possible
Can start with a clean sheet
Anyway - I decided that I would not consider other options and stick with PJ because options sometimes confuse and lead to nowhere. Happened the last time when I had 3 options bouncing around and none materialised - even when people say they're very sorry it didn't work out, the fact is, it didn't work out.
So I guess I've just got to be focused about this one.