Dog Days

Dog Days

10/13/2001

In the afternoon, went to Ms Tan's house (we're still confused as to where we live exactly - so when we call each other on HP and I ask "where are you?" and Ms Tan says "At home" I still have to clarify - "your home or my home" - which isn't much of a clarification ... anyway) to look on KIKI.

Kiki is a white german spitz (I think) who is really old. 15 to 17 years - which translates to over a hundred years old I think. Anyway - we had to bath him (one of the reasons I like cats ...) yuck - gunky bec. he's incontinent and keeps lying down in his own doo. It's so icky that his the whole of his right side is permanently stained brown. Then we had to bring him to the vet for a jab. Earlier this year, his eye got infected - and maggots were growing in it (went to the vet at 1 am to get it treated). Consequently, his eye had to be taken out and the wound is still in the process of healing and very prone to infection. Sigh. With three legged cats and one-eyed dogs, I think my life is far from perfect. Must however, commend Ms Tan who has made me so much more sensitive to the realities of loving a pet. (Kiki was - as mittens and Marmaduke - an animal that wasn't wanted ...) Anyway - at the vet, most of the people had these cute lap dogs and just kept staring at poor ol Kiki. They probably wonder why Ms Tan still loves him and spends so much effort on the old guy. I remember once at the vet a kid started pointing and his eyeless socket and said,"Eeeee, mummy why like that one?" And the parent didn't say anything. Another reason why I'm not into kids (or irresponsible parents) Worse was when some Auntie started dishing advice on the dog and how we need to be responsible owners ... Sigh ... all owners of cute lapdogs.
BTW a certain Geog teacher(male) just rescued a terrier that almost got knocked down by a car ... so hurray for the spirit of being nice to animals.

Also spoke for 1.5 hours (?) to Matt in the UK. Matt is probably the closest thing that comes to having a best friend to me - he's 2 years younger and was also from AC. We grew up in the same neighbourhood and went to the same church. When we were in Sec school, we started spending a lot of time together. And grew quite close. Only calls me occassionally though (yes yes expensive), when he isn't working hard at making discoveries worthy of a PhD. Anyway - he sounded rather blue today. Lamenting loneliness. Tried to get him to say something interesting about the new Singaporeans at Cambridge ("why don't you check out the new young things and take care of them")but even that didn't get him going. Strange you know - after so many years in the UK, he still feels the loneliness - I guess it has to do with not having anyone immediately available to talk with. Anyway - I think he was being wimpy - complaining about being in the UK !!! Go for a walk ! At least there's stuff to see and it isn't hot !!! Actually, it was really nice to talk to him. At least I could tell my stories and have a new audience. He'll be back in DEC - hurray - and we'll probably bum around and eat teochew mui. I also thought about the fact of how we just talk to each other. It's like we know each other so well we don't even bother to give advice. Just narrating what's been going on is enough when talking to Matt - cause I guess we've given each other enough advice for a lifetime. I guess I like talking to him too because I can call him a scumbag (?!) and mean it sincerely as a term of endearment.

Tried to finally edit some stuff that Mrs K wants by Monday. Hiyah so boring. Read essays the whole year and now need to edit essays for Images. Can't they get the EL teachers to do it? Hang on - that's me. Actually she didn't say she wanted it by Monday - heh heh - but then she never says anything about deadlines anyway. She's too nice to not help ... it's supposed to be my job to help and if I don't help, she'll do them ALL herself ... I think I'll do them tomorrow.

What i really want to do is finish up some books i'm reading. You know, that conversation in the staff room about "adventurous girls" has still got me thinking:
Cat: You know, some girls are really adventurous. They go into extreme sports to the extent that they're whole life is very exciting
Sham: Yah, some of them are damn garang.
Cat: Like some of them, go rock climbing - they sleep overnight hanging on some rock face
Sham: why do they do it?
Cat: it's the challenge I think that motivates them
ME (finally): Well, I'm challenged by READING BOOKS.
Cat and Sham (loudly): HA HA HA HA - That's such an unchallenging thing !!! HA HA HA ...

I beg to differ. Currently reading the following and will try to finish them soon:

1. Godel Escher and Bach - a study of intelligence: how intelligence becomes consciousness
2. Anti-Oedipus (Delueze and Guattarri): Machines - flows and disjunctions - heavy stuff which tries to break out of the Freudian "I" and re-formulate desire as primary
3.Justine - Lawrence Durrell - first part of the Alexandrian Quartet - very evocative stuff. Will end the entry with a quote.
4. A Passage to India: Re-reading my A level book
5. Kierkegaard - just finished a small pocket book - now into a Reader.
6. In search of Schrodinger's Cat - haven't touched it for a while
7. The man who knew infinity - the life of Ramanujan - a fascinating read about an Indian Math genius - but ut gets bogged down in details of cricket and the like

From Justine :
Driving along that pure and natal coastline they watched the first tendrils of sunlight uncoil from horizon to horizon across the dark self-sufficient Mediterranean seas whose edges were at one and the same moment touching lost hallowed Catharge and Salamis in Cyprus.

Beautiful line because it is precisely that - one line - like the "tendrils" spoken of, the line stretches from movement and motion - "driving along" - into an abstract space of sunlight (yes, light is not a thing but a field, an abstract space) causing the vision of the horizon to unfold. The fact that the sea is spoken of in such terms - named ancient cities - all brought into a simultaneous moment, all touched at once - by both the "sea" and the line, liberates the space of the line. No punctuation marks yet perfect rhythm.

Line of the the day indeed.

TD Saga

TD Saga

10/12/2001

Ms Tan just sat next to me.
First thing she said to me this morning
"I had a very bad Dream"
"I dreamt you forced me to marry someone else"
"So now I'm married to two people"

You see what 51 year old lonely old men can do to your MIND?

Names

Names

10/12/2001

Have realised (after reading several ODs and reading comments) that names are an interesting indication of what we think of people, or how we hide our identities. In effect, names are the strongest defence we have against the outside world. Felt this as I perused ODs and realised that you seem to know who the person/people referred to are, but without the names you can't quite confirm. Reminds me of using names in the Army.
Sergeant asks: "What's your name"
Only an IDIOT will say my name is "Aloysius" (eg)
I went known as "Lim". You see - everyone is Lim.

Then there are the names of cyberspace. A way of re-constructing a self through a little moniker. I suppsoe since we only expose a side of us through text and short comments, we choose names that are perhaps fantasy constructions. "Limit" was chosen because it's the only word that can be formed by inserted a single vowel into my initials. (Do't even think of "lomot" or "lumut" - they aren't words anyway) In effect, it reflects my interest in language and how the contraints of formal rules shape our identities. The duality in the name - "am I limited or limiting" is also a constant reminder that I need to remain aware of my own ... err ... limits.

Anyway, referring to people, there is a strange movement sometimes when you have to relate to two different streams. For example, yesterday was talking to both teacher and students at same time and had to refer to another teacher. Still not used to being formal I always refer to teachers by first names. So it was like ... I'll hand it to Cat... errm... Mrs Yeow. So strange. Even stranger is when other teachers call you by your formal tag. Especially when Mrs Blaw wants to speak with me along a corridor in a classroom - she'll go "Mr Lim ..." So funny. Makes no diff for me with the older teachers, cause I call them "Mrs this ..." "Mrs that ..." or even "Mdm ..."

What I like to do

What I like to do

10/12/2001

is to watch people that I know do things and be themselves without them knowing that I'm watching. I suppose observation is interesting when you don't attach a tag to it ie don't try to judge people for why they behave such but just let those behaviours lead to associations and thoughts. I suppose it's splitting hairs - how can you observe without judging? - I think it's in the details.

So today I sat in DF at JEC watching people. Interestingly enough, there were many kids there that I knew. Actually sit there to mark stuff helps when there is coffee and a semblance of a life, to read bad grammar and squint to make out writing. Anyway - there's this corner in DF that I usually sit at. it's a brilliant place because no one looks into that corner. They either walk straight past you or head straight for the counter. Once, there was even some of the kids staring at an advert right next to me and they didn't even see me. But the corner was taken today, So I sat at the opposite corner. And watched many kids. Clowning around, gossipping (chatting they call it). I came to realise there are several categories of kids.

"Intelligent-and-articulate-but-formal"
These are the ones that I have cordial conversations with. When they ask something, it must be about work. I think there's an unspoken barrier for them that they have to have something work related to talk about. These are the ones that you can have quite and interesting and animated conversation with, if there's something "intellectual" to discuss. These are the ones where strange conversational lulls also happen. Which I usually defuse with - "well ok i better get going".

"Guys"
Hate to generalise but it's true. Very few guys make interesting conversation - especially in groups. It's usually "Har har Harh ... you Har hah har" I think these are the most fun conversations in a very mindless way. Just listen to them make sick jokes and insult each other.

"Tell-me-about-your-life"
I find these kids the more introspective, able to articulate their emotions and fears about the future. Actually, none of the categories are exclusive and I think one-on-one, or at least in a small group, most kids are quite like this - willing to talk about themselves and curious about your own experiences. Find these talks the most enriching and will sorely miss these.

"..."
There's then that breed of kid that is really scared of you, no matter what. They've probably not done work like for really long and even if you try casual conversation with them, they can't make it. These avoid you at all costs. But are willing to be boistrous and irritating when in your presence but in a group - really strange.

"entertain me"
Then there are the kids talk to you just for laughs. It's like - tell me what will tickle me - only. I guess there's a time for this, but I find some of them tend to shy away when you want to find out more about them.

Have this thing (in general) about people. I think there's a sort of human that exists merely on the surface. They don't delve deeper into themselves or talk about themselves too much because there's nothing inside. In the sense that they haven't thought about it too much. Eliot has a poem called "The Hollow Men" - I think it's an apt description. Anyway, some people live all their lives at the surface. Scary. And they never bother to go beyond that. I guess that's why they are a little tentative about emotions etc.

BTW - Ms Tan came home with a story worth telling. Apparently, as she was taking a taxi home, the taxi driver became engaged in a most interesting conversation with her. The gist : he actually said she was pretty, didn't look chinese, and (get this) offered to pick her up anytime she called his HP. Also, he divulged details like he was 51 (years old !!)and was on the verge of a divorce. He inquired about her husband (me), asking, "Does he love you? / Does he treat you nicely?" Freaky if you ask me. Anyway, Ms Tan recounted the encounter with me, and laughed most rudely at my expressions of digust and horror. OK - it was quite comical I admit. And she did bring up the fact that Taxi drivers don't really have people to talk to and so always talk to her. I countered that observation with the fact that when I take a Taxi (her objection: "You hardly take a taxi ...") the driver never speaks to me.

In fact, the last two "conversations" I had (on taking a Taxi from school ...) went
Me: Holland Village
TD: (Silence and drives off)
TD: Wah, car lincense plate now SBM already ... very fast!
Me: Yah ...(Silence for the rest of the journey)
I mean, look - by the time we hit the AYE we exhaust all conversational topics whereas Ms Tan always has these lengthy conversations to report about!

Maybe it's my bad Mandarin - then again the TDs speak in English sometimes. Ah well - as Ms Tan said (pretending to console me while still laughing like crazy at my reaction) - "You should feel flattered that some men find your wife attractive ..."

Right. Men aged Fifty-One.

What I like to do

is to watch people that I know do things and be themselves without them knowing that I'm watching. I suppose observation is interesting when you don't attach a tag to it ie don't try to judge people for why they behave such but just let those behaviours lead to associations and thoughts. I suppose it's splitting hairs - how can you observe without judging? - I think it's in the details.
So today I sat in DF at JEC watching people. Interestingly enough, there were many kids there that I knew. Actually sit there to mark stuff helps when there is coffee and a semblance of a life, to read bad grammar and squint to make out writing. Anyway - there's this corner in DF that I usually sit at. it's a brilliant place because no one looks into that corner. They either walk straight past you or head straight for the counter. Once, there was even some of the kids staring at an advert right next to me and they didn't even see me. But the corner was taken today, So I sat at the opposite corner. And watched many kids. Clowning around, gossipping (chatting they call it). I came to realise there are several categories of kids.
"Intelligent-and-articulate-but-formal"
These are the ones that I have cordial conversations with. When they ask something, it must be about work. I think there's an unspoken barrier for them that they have to have something work related to talk about. These are the ones that you can have quite and interesting and animated conversation with, if there's something "intellectual" to discuss. These are the ones where strange conversational lulls also happen. Which I usually defuse with - "well ok i better get going".
"Guys"
Hate to generalise but it's true. Very few guys make interesting conversation - especially in groups. It's usually "Har har Harh ... you Har hah har" I think these are the most fun conversations in a very mindless way. Just listen to them make sick jokes and insult each other.
"Tell-me-about-your-life"
I find these kids the more introspective, able to articulate their emotions and fears about the future. Actually, none of the categories are exclusive and I think one-on-one, or at least in a small group, most kids are quite like this - willing to talk about themselves and curious about your own experiences. Find these talks the most enriching and will sorely miss these.
"..."
There's then that breed of kid that is really scared of you, no matter what. They've probably not done work like for really long and even if you try casual conversation with them, they can't make it. These avoid you at all costs. But are willing to be boistrous and irritating when in your presence but in a group - really strange.
"entertain me"
Then there are the kids talk to you just for laughs. It's like - tell me what will tickle me - only. I guess there's a time for this, but I find some of them tend to shy away when you want to find out more about them.
Have this thing (in general) about people. I think there's a sort of human that exists merely on the surface. They don't delve deeper into themselves or talk about themselves too much because there's nothing inside. In the sense that they haven't thought about it too much. Eliot has a poem called "The Hollow Men" - I think it's an apt description. Anyway, some people live all their lives at the surface. Scary. And they never bother to go beyond that. I guess that's why they are a little tentative about emotions etc.

BTW - Ms Tan came home with a story worth telling. Apparently, as she was taking a taxi home, the taxi driver became engaged in a most interesting conversation with her. The gist : he actually said she was pretty, didn't look chinese, and (get this) offered to pick her up anytime she called his HP. Also, he divulged details like he was 51 (years old !!)and was on the verge of a divorce. He inquired about her husband (me), asking, "Does he love you? / Does he treat you nicely?" Freaky if you ask me. Anyway, Ms Tan recounted the encounter with me, and laughed most rudely at my expressions of digust and horror. OK - it was quite comical I admit. And she did bring up the fact that Taxi drivers don't really have people to talk to and so always talk to her. I countered that observation with the fact that when I take a Taxi (her objection: "You hardly take a taxi ...") the driver never speaks to me.

In fact, the last two "conversations" I had (on taking a Taxi from school ...) went

Me: Holland Village
TD: (Silence and drives off)
TD: Wah, car lincense plate now SBM already ... very fast!
Me: Yah ...(Silence for the rest of the journey)

I mean, look - by the time we hit the AYE we exhaust all conversational topics whereas Ms Tan always has these lengthy conversations to report about!
Maybe it's my bad Mandarin - then again the TDs speak in English sometimes. Ah well - as Ms Tan said (pretending to console me while still laughing like crazy at my reaction) - "You should feel flattered that some men find your wife attractive ..."
Right. Men aged Fifty-One.

What is Fondness

What is Fondness

10/10/2001

Fondness is a special word to me. It's one of those slippery "in-between" words that can be used in various situations for several effects. I like using it when I speak of animals - there is a closeness that seems fuzzy when it's used that way.

I'm also particularly fond of the word fond because it was the tentative word that I used to first express my non-platonic "fondness" for Ms Tan. In an off the cuff pseudo cool manner one night on the phone I 'casually' told her, "I'm rather fond of you." It's a quaint little line isn't it? A little bit stiff and old-fashioned and yet having the suggestiveness of emotional intimacy. It was a deliberate choice because it gave me room to recoup in case she wasn't into me. As things turned out, she was "fond" of me in the same manner.

And today, I think I uncovered another moment of fondness, of a different sort. Class Chairperson was not feeling well and was sleeping in the sick bay. So I went to look in on her during lunch and some of 4K was there as well. Actually quite a number trooped in after a while and the room was beginning to resemble a hospital ward. Had to chase them out because "it will not do to have students in the staff room", but that was a moment of fondness, to see them caring for one another like that and bothering to cluster into the sick bay. (Ok ok maybe it was just herd mentality and everyone just wanted the aircon of the staff room - but it was rather stuffy in the sick bay ...) A moment of fondness, knowing that while the kids may not be brightest and the best in school, they certainly are some of the most caring, honest, sincere, unpretentious ones around. Anyway had to be mean and 1. Chased them out and 2. Chased class chairperson out/home

Surely a day to remember.

What I've come to realise

What I've come to realise

10/9/2001

is that I do not rise up to the big occassion. I prefer to stay in a comfort zone where everyone is appeased. unlike some other teachers that I've come to respect tremendously, who will put their credibility and professionalism on the line, I retreat and tend to mark out a space of nonchalance when it comes to these decision making meetings. It's not so much that I've afraid of what people will think but that I run to the BIG picture too quickly. I move out and start thinking "what's the point anyway" almost by reflex and tend to think it's better for some things to take their own course. I guess I merely make in-roads in small ways. Surely, I am not one of bold proclamation.

Did some autographs for people that asked today. Came upone the idea of photocopying some of the stuff I own in order to leave them with an image of me "imprinted". I think it was quite cool, especially when I did the ELEPHANT at my desk. Then in a moment of inspiration I started thinking body parts. Managed to do a pretty decent hand but had to perfect photocopying my face.

This one required skill. First - had to do it when NO ONE ELSE was around in the TRC. Second - had to enlist the help of a like-minded individual to press the PRINT button for me. Was going to do it (with the help of partner in crime Miss OTC) when more important teacher walked in. So had to hang around and pretend I was entering marks or something. Finally did it and was quite pleased with the results. The first ones didn't work very well because I closed my eyes too tightly I think. But the subsequent ones were quite cool - they look like I'm drifting in an endless sleep. Anyway - re-photocopied them for clearer effects and contrast.

I hope no one gets grossed out by the number of blackheads on my face.

Interlude: Ode to Black Ambition

Interlude: Ode to Black Ambition

10/8/2001

O for a song of the coffee cup,
O for a song to end the day
O to sing the thrill of Dark Ambition*
Pouring down my throat's highway

Alas the Canteen was deserted
Stall 9 had closed for the Night**
Where could I go for a Kopi-O -
My thirsting throat's delight?

For I can never cease to tell
Of the wonders brought to my heart
When the trickle of coffee freshly brewed
Hits the bottom of my gut.

For I will never cease to proclaim
The miraculous humble Bean:
That crushed and powdered then liquified
Washes my gullet clean

Coke? Qoo? Horlick peng,
Stand but in pale compare^
When there's a cup of Kopi-O
In the vicinity somewhere.

Sprite? Milo? Iced Lemon tea,
Are beverages inferior -
For the truest measure of a man
Is a Kopi-O Superior.

So I stopped at a coffee shop
"Kopi siew tai tjee pway"^^
I anxiously muttered to the Kopi-kia
Whose mind seemed miles away.

'"Pokka Cafe" Ke Yi Mah?'
Came the unfliching reply
His quiet words were an anathema***
To my throat hoarse and dry

"Kopi siew tai" I tried again
With a weakened, helpless breath
A shake of the head, a turning away
My Kopi hopes were dashed.

With footsteps leaden,with a heavy heart,
I walked my saddened way-
O Cruel Misfortune, O Endless Despair
O Kopi siew tai tjee pway!

On stumbling home, in an awful shape
When I thought I was undone:
I finally had to settle for
"Nescafè three-in-one"

O for a song of the coffee cup,
O for a song to end the day
O to sing the thrill of Dark Ambition
Pouring down my throat's highway.

* - refers to Coffee (from an old Sheena Easton song)

** - I know it closes at six but "Night" is easier to rhyme and more poetic...

^ - grammatically wrong - but have you tried to rhyme "comparison"?

^^ - Forgive the poor translation

*** - a solemn ecclesiastical curse

4 in the morning

4 in the morning

10/7/2001

and the rain has been coming down in sheets. It woke me up about an hour ago and I just went to close the windows. But insulated from the noise, the rain sounded like a distant anger rather than a clearly articulated demonstration that we live in a world of flows larger than ourselves. So I couldn't get back to sleep but had to hear the rain more clearly. It's died down a bit by now, but the splattering still makes the morning worth being awake for. The sky's covered with thick clouds still. I guess the rain hasn't exhausted itself and we'll be in for a glorious day of wet. Really helps, when you've got to stand up and teach, to have the rain on your side. It sets your voice in a nice context, nature's background music for the day. Rather than the dry hum of traffic on a humid day, when the only intangible sense evoked is the smell of Jurong Island sulphur, the pattering of the rain keeps everyone waiting for something new to begin.

In rain you realise many things. That there are forces that grow out of your control. Even when you wished you could determine the direction of sometime, or exercise a precision of effect, nature has someone or something greater that will bring those intentions to a different place. The rain spoils plans. You can't walk out because it's wet and you can't keep moving because your shirt's going to get plastered to yourself. In rain you remember the difference between the day and night. Daytime rain is obvious and can be spoken of in terms of incovenience or the immediate comfort it brings. Night rain brings movement in the dark that is somewhat ominous. You hear, lying on your bed, the climaxes of the wind, the drumming to what goal on your window pane, waiting for something to break. You can't sleep because you want to be with the rain, more than with the sounds of the rain. Waking you realise that while the rain's outside and beyond your control, you'll never really be a part of it.

But the rain brings coolness in all cases. Not the sterile controlled coolness of an airconditioned room - the coolness of the rain is unexpected. With a sudden gust on a rainy day, you feel the freshness of the air in your room. What is longed for is the moment the rain becomes your experience - when you make contact with the rain - not as water on skin, but as a moment remembered.

What a day it will be

What a day it will be

10/7/2001

when we become free of all emotions like being hurt and feeling a pang of anxiety. Just looked at an OD entry and found that I was mentioned in terms that I think were the result of a misunderstanding. Complicating the situation was the fact that the author of the entry is one of the nicest persons I know and one of the last people I'd expect to take an innocent gesture the wrong way. Anyway - I've clarified the situation. And for all you people following here's what happened (at least as far as I'm aware of it):

1. Graduation is coming up on 26th Oct. While it's supposed to be a big day, it's also right near the Os. So while the Sec 4 classes are supposed to come out with a Graduation Speech and a powerpoint presentation, some classes are not too enthusiastic.

2. Enter the Situation. 4M ask their EL teacher if he will accompany them if they sing a song instead of making a speech. Thinking it's a novel idea + "are you sure the school will allow" their EL teacher agrees and practises with them.

3. Enter 4K (or at least certain members). Who find out that the EL teacher (who is 4K's FORM teacher) is doing this thing with 4M, and become displeased.

4. As far as the teacher concerned can make out, after speaking with the Chairperson of 4K and a member of 4M: a. 4K is under the impression that the EL teacher only plays guitar for 4K. and (get this) must ask permission (!!) from the class to play guitar with another class
b. EL teacher is doing this because he prefers 4M to 4K
c. EL teacher should have informed 4K himself instead of letting them find out from 4M.

5. A simple scrutiny of the above will demonstrate how silly the whole affair is because
music is for everyone
teachers are supposed to be above preference
teachers shouldn't need to ask for permission to do what they want to do anyway

6. So how? EL teacher is reminded of numerous lectures and lessons in teacher training where HE was taught to be above emotion and above the pettiness of student situations. You're there to guide and direct and not get tangled with emotional fluxes. You've got to be above it all to help resolve situations. I don't think EL teacher has found a teacher who's above it all. The ones that pretend to be just have become immune and hide themselves behind the facade of work.

7. So EL teacher asks - what should he do? Go ahead and forget about what his form class thinks? Explain the story to form class and then go ahead? Explain the story to 4M and then cancel? Hope that the school will NOT allow something novel?
Become immune to what everyone thinks and take MC on 26th Oct?

8. Who knows?